


Battlefield Diagnostics

by Iamnamedsilence



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Alt-Mode Sexual Interfacing, Crack, Hate Sex, M/M, Mentioned Murder, Mildly Dubious Consent, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sticky Sexual Interfacing, Transformers Plug and Play Sexual Interfacing, You Decide, because too many people wanted me to write this, implied improper use of cannons, mentioned torture, or the best, tanks having sex, this fandom brings out the worst of me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 07:56:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20386306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamnamedsilence/pseuds/Iamnamedsilence
Summary: After failed attempt to kill Megatron both Tarn and Overlord decide to work together. The first challenge: perform some updates to Tarn's malfunctioning transformation software.





	Battlefield Diagnostics

**Author's Note:**

> I was collectively prompted - and then cheered - to write tanks having sex. Some of the people who did it aren't even in this fandom. You wanted it - you have it!

After their both realized, what was happening, their target was already too far away. Tarn’s eyes blinked with hatred and he was not sure, whom he hates more: Megatron, who somehow managed to escape, or Overlord, who prevented this.

They were both high on The List, traitors to The Cause, and Tarn, who usually had it all under control, had a problem with recognizing his priorities.

It was clearly Overlord’s fault Megatron escaped, Overlord prevented Tarn from ending this once and for all, Megatron being now on the first place of The List. On the other hand, Overlord was highly annoying, haven't Tarn killed him already? And yet he was back from the dead, like some Primus-chosen slag.

Actually, this also referred to the entire ship full of Autobots, but Tarn intended to eviscerate them again anyway. First, he had to decide what to do with Overlord.

In theory, he could use his voice to kill him right now. On the other hand, additional help could be useful against said Autobots, who had fortified themselves… and against Megatron of course, because he had just tricked them both and that made Tarn hate him even more.

„What are you waiting for, glitch!” he heard Overlord shouting. „Follow him!”

So, Overlord decided to postpone their fight. All right. Tarn was going to kill him anyway.

They both transformed into the alt modes, Tarn feeling his twin cannons buzzing with energy, tracks crushing this ridiculous blue flowers that covered the surface of this planet.

But before they spotted their target, he was far away already.

This was Overlords fault. If not him, Megatron would be dead.

Tarn stopped the urge to aum his cannons at the other mech. He needed him. For now. He was going to find a very elaborate, long and painful death for him later. Something entirely new, something he had never done before.

He tried to transform back into root mode. It didn’t work. Something scratched inside him, painfully, he realized. This was annoying and uncomfortable. Great, another t-cog on the verge of burn out.

Another reason to add to Overlord’s pain.

„You damaged me, slagger” he hissed.

Something was jammed, awfully, painfully jammed. He ran autodiagnostics, simultaneously pointing one of his guns at Overlord, who had just returned to root mode and was staring at Tarn with an infuriatingly amused smile on his prominent lips.

„What are you staring at? I need your help. Or do you prefer my team to eviscerate you as soon, as you reach them?”

To his relief, Overlord asked:

„What do you need me to do?”

Tarns HUD pinged him with several alerts on system failure. Some of them were hardware, yes, but they could be easily overridden with several software adjustments: he only needed some additional upgrade packs from someone with similar alt-mode, since his current t-cog used to belong to a flyer and didn’t have all the necessary software installed. Tarn usually took care for this, but the last cycles were a little hectic. Luckily, there was Overlord nearby.

It would be an even better idea to replace Tarn’s current t-cog with his. Well, Tarn noted to take out this part of Overlord before destroying the rest.

„I need a t-cog software update,” he said.

The amused smile didn’t disappear from Overlord’s lips.

„And you need it from me.”

„Yes. I have a port on the back of my turret.” Tarn said, using the smooth, polite tone he used for poetry and being nice during interrogations.

„I know where this port is,” Overlord said, standing behind Tarn. The amusement in his voice was another reason to add to the pain Tarn planned for him. But now he needed Overlord alive and he needed his software.

He felt a finger stroking – stroking! - the port cover. What was Overlord thinking? He asked for an update, not for intimate interfacing. Was Overlord trying to humiliate him? He was not going to let him!

He suppressed the urge to hurry the other mech. No, he was going to remain calm for as long, as it was needed.

The cable plugged into the port, downloading stream of data into Tarn. Tarn wasn’t stupid: he set the firewalls on filtering, suspecting incoming malware. The first data packs were indeed the upgrades Tarn needed. He quickly ordered his systems to unpack them, as another were incoming – and along with them something else.

No, not malware: the data Overlord transmitted was of the erotic nature.

So he decided to continue playing this game? How low had this mech fallen? Was he doing this to his victims? Disgusting. Tarn had his standards, but Overlord clearly did not. Yet another reason to push him higher on The List.

Tarn was not someone, who would allow the other mech to treat him this way. He could fight back and this was the first thought – just let the updates unpack and shoot Overlord to incapacitate him. But, he could use the situation to his advantage, couldn’t he?

He let the data flow in, without blocking them. Soon he could hear his own cooling fans speeding up.

To his satisfaction, the stream of data from Overlord stopped for a moment.

„What, a change of spark?” Tarn asked. „You made me believe you were revved by this situation and that we could blow some steam, since we are already connected, but if you are not in the mood...”

He heard displeased growl, but also a familiar whirr. So, yes, either Overlord was aroused by someone’s misery (Tarn needed a little more time to unpack and install those updates), or the sound Tarn’s own cooling fans affected him.

„So, decide,” Tarn said. „We have people to kill.”

As an answer, Overlord draped himself on the upside of Tarn’s current form, hands running over the hull, on the sides, and under the turret.

He was good at this, knowing the analogous places on his own alt-mode. An advantage of this ridiculous situation. Tarn wasn’t aware, how much he needed this. His vocalizer let out a staticky sound, cooling fans run faster.

He felt fingers sliding inside his seams, more impulses flowing through the cable, some of them affecting the mechanical components of his interface system, hidden deep under the plating of his alt mode.

The limited possibilities if his current form annoyed Tarn. Overlord used this to his advantage and Tarn couldn’t remain motionless in this situation.

He calculated his possibilities, while Overlord’s hands found a sensible area just below both cannons. This was too much, and Tarn wasn’t going to allow this for long.

He sent his own pack of impulses and data, back on their connection. Overlord, too occupied with abusing his possibilities, didn’t notice when the compressed file unpacked and overrode his t-cog software.

Tarn was satisfied when he heard Overlord’s transformation mechanisms moving out of the sudden. In a moment, he had another tank lying on top of his alt-mode, still connected by the cable.

„You slagin’ glitch!” he heard Overlord exclaiming. „You tricked me!”

„Relax. I will allow you to transform back once my installations are complete.” Tarn said calmly. „Meanwhile, shall we continue?”

Overlord moved on top of him, his tracks turning in vain, one of them stuck between Tarn’s armor and turret.

„Don’t tell me, that you want to run away as Megatron did.” Tarn purred „Because if you do, I believe the Autobots won’t be forgiving… and neither will I. So, let’s continue.”

And he sent a strong impulse down Overlord’s cable.

The tank on top of his alt-mode shivered and let out a loud noise, fans whirring louder. Tarn would smile if it was possible for him now.

There should be a week point on the underside of Overlord’s alt mode, not week enough to kill or incapacitate, sadly, but sensitive in this situation. If Tarn moved, one of the edges of his turret should brush against it, yes, just like this.

It worked. Tarn felt another shake on top of him.

Good. Little time remained to finish the installation. If he managed to bring the other mech to overload in the good moment, he would have upper hand once he was able to transform back.

He sent another pack of impulses targeted at all of Overlord’s systems. He heard a litany of swears breaking into static and felt more impulses coming back at him, flooding his systems, trying to overpower him.

This was a risky strategy, but once Tarn was part of this game, he was not going to lose it.

One more slight movement against Overlord’s heavy alt mode stuck on the back of his, one more impulse, stronger this time, as the installation bar reached its end. Feel of the other mech’s frame shaking rapidly and twitching, as the temporary locks on the t-cog software let go.

The relief of this task completed mixed with the pleasure and Tarn felt his overload approaching, charge kicking into all of his systems.

It came – at the same moment when Tarn’s updates were completed. The twitch and charge in his frame made all the locked systems let go.

He returned to the root mode a little sooner than the other mech, exactly as planned. He threw Overlord off his frame, to the ground, pinned him down as soon as other mech went out of the alt mode.

Overlord’s mouth was open, steam coming out of the seems eyes in the haze. Tarn was aware, that he didn’t look any better, but at least he was the one who controlled the situation.

There was still a cable connecting them, now twisted after all the transformations, but stuck in Tarn’s port, still exchanging small packets of data and charge, that made them both twitch.

Tarn felt his systems were still warmed up, and while overloading was pleasant, the mechanical components still wanted attention. He expected the other mech to be in a similar state.

He smiled under his mask.

„Well, I guess we have some more time to see, what the tank’s main gun can be used for.”


End file.
